I’ve had my fair share of trauma and failures in life that made me feel inadequate… insignificant… less than. I won’t even bother to put failure in quotes because let’s be honest, failing isn’t a quoted thing. It truly exists, and it’s time we embrace it. I’ve overcome my demons, slaughtered my doubts, and restarted more times than I have fingers – but it doesn’t always begin that way. Starting something new is an emotionally hazardous task. Now, starting something new after you’ve failed at something else is an emotional wasteland.
There must be a way to fix this and conquer our ghastly devastations.
You can’t counteract your negative thoughts or feelings using logic. Though I hate to break it to you, logic is probably the best resolution to your problems. Logic doesn’t stop the emotional flood from feeling like the world is caving in or your hopes and dreams are dashed into dust.
What causes this negativity and perpetuates this society of social success over real-life experience?
Read on to learn how starting over saved my life, the personal burdens we don’t need to hang onto, and how failure is sometimes the ONLY option. No more feeling anxious about our first times and the uncertainty of not having it all figured out.
So, how did starting over save my life?
Back yonder, when I was 19 (a mere few years ago), I started on a path to independence. I wanted to be free of expectation, and I thought the best course would be moving out of my parents’ house to a world I would later discover I had no clue about. I won’t go into all the details, but
A few heartbreaks, a buttload of depression, and a bunch of bills later, I moved back in with my parents to start on a fresh path that would help me navigate what went wrong, and how I could do it better next time.
The only problem I was facing… I didn’t (or wouldn’t/couldn’t) “do the work” because I was constantly focused on the wrong things.
Instead of trying to grow and learn from my mistakes, I kept berating myself for all the ways I should’ve known better. Rather than take the time to create something better, I kept asking what the point was. In place of taking small steps forward, I kept thinking about my past and how it all went wrong.
You get the point. I had failed, and to my dismay… this wouldn’t be the only time. Starting over wasn’t as glamorous as I had led myself to believe, but it was also worth noting that I didn’t want to face the reality. It took a long time for me to start reading the right books, doing the hard work, and a buttload of more depression to finally face my fears and kickstart the next great adventure in my life.
My journey has been far from perfect, but it’s imperfection that builds character, and a stronger path to where I’ve been headed. And all that work helped me learn one thing that was definitely worth writing down:
People hate starting over because it “solidifies” the one thing they have been lying to themselves about – that they are a failure.
Failing isn’t about who you are; it’s something we all experience. The most important thing is gaining the lessons we learn through that experience.
- I got to find out who really had my back, who was in my corner, and who cared to see me succeed.
- Nothing shapes your future like the people you surround yourself with. And if you want to know who your true friends are, and therefore your future, have a crisis.
- I gained a lot of experience through trial and error
- Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice makes you practical. You don’t start off succeeding; you start with a set of skills that are proven to be the wrong ones. And then you start with experience.
- It gave me the confidence to continue to fail again
- If there’s one thing that really thickened my confidence, it was the idea that everyone had a few fails under their belt, and the fact that I had already done it. So what more was there to be afraid of?
Starting over felt like a (personal) burden:
You can start over and feel unwelcome in your own life. It’s not (usually) what other people think of you that creates this feeling of inadequacy. You get into your head about what makes you feel inferior, and you assume other people think the same way about you. Trust me, though, everyone is so focused on themselves that they don’t even think about you.
Failing is the perception we create when we feel like there is no way “up”. Our personal burden is the idea that we won’t be able to come back from our failures. And unless you do the work to heal through that pain, you constantly take on the extra feelings that come with failing.
Sometimes failure is the ONLY option:
Why do people say “failure is not an option” when it comes to accomplishing a task, finishing a goal, or just trying something new? This is the foundation people fall off of because of its unreasonable expectations and impossible standards. You’re setting yourself up for a failure far more daunting than the original result you were avoiding.
Ignoring your failures to maintain an image is damaging to your self-worth. If you force yourself into a fake, perfect version, you’ll inevitably begin to resent yourself because you’re forming a facade not true to your energy. You can’t distance yourself from your failures, and any attempt to will inevitably make you “crash out” more than you originally planned.
Sometimes failure can be the ONLY option.
The original saying goes, “If you fail to plan, then you plan to fail.” My version is “Plan to fail, so you don’t fail to plan.” What makes these 2 so different?:
- One encourages you to create a plan and stick to it so you don’t exceed your potential and burn yourself out.
- The other one encourages you to fail so you can add it into your plan and not be distracted when you hit those unavoidable setbacks.
Give yourself the room and the freedom to fail without making it a make-or-break moment. When you plan for the setbacks, you start over without feeling pressure to make it into a timeline that’s unrealistic. Not planning to fail is damaging to your confidence AND your calendar.
So what did we learn from starting over?:
Fail spectacularly, make it an extravaganza. One that you can celebrate while also learning from. There’s no shame in starting over and failing consistently. It just shows you’re doing something right even when everything feels so wrong.
Now, what I’ve said here isn’t some revolutionary topic. It’s not a brand new sentiment unique to me; it’s just a reality we’ve all faced, and it’s nice to know we’re not alone.
If you’ve resonated with this topic and feel confident, amazing! But if you’re still struggling to start that something new you’ve been avoiding, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You are more capable than you give yourself credit for. And remember all the moments you thought life would end or your world would crumble. Your strength and experience are what give you the foundation to start again.